Indeed lesbians, real-lesbians and why I refuse to be lesbianized by you!


On a nearby social network, I got mail this morning. It was… a real-lesbian.

«written about 14 hours ago:

hello. you know, most of your profile says that you are a lesbian. yet you are polyamorous with a male… can you explain how you can be both? i dont want to remove you from the group if you are, indeed, a lesbian. but if you are not, then you cant stay. and dang, but that one would be a shame… cause i like your pics! chuckles.

thanks for the coming explanation…»

«written less than a minute ago:


I’m still trying to convince myself that it is worth my time to answer amessage like this.

I have been on this social network for four years now and during all this time I’ve had heterosexual men sending me messages that quite simply ignored my profile and sexual orientation. Almost no messages from women. When I received this message I thought – now, here’s something that might be worth mytime. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

So, are you asking me, politely, to prove to you that I’m a lesbian? I’m assuming you’re serious about this. I’m very serious about this. Let me just say that you are just one more in a series of events in my life, where lesbian ask me to show them my lesbian card.

Well, I won’t.

I don’t have to explain to you why I choose to identify as a lesbian. For most sensible people it should be enough that I say so. You are not asking me this because you want to know my story, or to listen to my experiences for your personal growth. I would be more than happy to share my story with anyone who would ask me to talk about this, to understand it better for themselves or even think about themselves.But that is not what your message implies. You are policing my sexuality and if I don’t meet the requirements, you will decide for me that I don’t belong in a group I chose to join.

Well, I’m not going to justify my sexuality to you. But, because I’m an activist and I’ve had enough of this bullshit, I’m going to write down a few more things.

My sexual orientation is not determined or defined by the gender identity of whom I fuck. Period.

Identities and practices are not the same thing. Period.

My identity as a lesbian is not dependable on who I fuck, who I kiss, who I sleep with or hold hands with, or am kinky with, or have feelings for, or have romantic feelings for or whatever. My identity is defined by me and no one has a right to come and tell me I should be otherwise.

Unfortunately many people – like you – feel that they’re entitled to tell me I should have another identity, or name myself differently. Many even think that it is not my right to name myself a lesbian. Others tell me where I belong and DON’T belong. I have had lesbian women screaming to my face that I can’t say that I’m a lesbian. And I have had messages like this.

Well, it is not YOUR right to tell people what they should be. Or where they should belong.

It’s impressive how for someone like you – who must have suffered discrimination of some type during your life – to actually hit send on a message like this. Probably because you think it’s your right to check my lesbianism, probably because you are group moderator and feel that it is your responsibility to check if the space is safe for”real lesbians”.

So, you won’t remove me from a social group I joined if I prove to you that”indeed” I am a “lesbian”?

How would you feel if someone told that it is not OK for you to identify as a”lesbian butch boi”? What if someone questioned that youapply the idea of “boi” to your identity as a woman? Ortold you to prove that you are actually a “butch”?

What if someone told your 12-year-old-self: you are not really a lesbian, you haven’t been with a woman yet. Would that make sense to you? When do you “start” to be a lesbian?

…What is”indeed a lesbian”? Do you count women that you fucked? Do you make a list of genitalia you touched? Does it count if you are in a relationship with a trans woman? Or does it only count if everyone is cisgendered? Do you account only for genitalia or should you count also the cis-guy who presents herself as a woman? Or do you check the genitalia first before playing a scene?

Well, I don’t date genitalia. I also don’t date “indeed” lesbians or”real” women. If I want to have sex I also don’t choose to have it after checking the genital area. The same thing applies to kink.

Apparently you are entitled to tell me that I can’t stay in a group of lesbians if I’m not the real deal.

I’m not – and don’t even have the slightest wish to be – so just do as you wish.

I have come to realize that most lesbians I have met have less and less to do with me. They have mostly made me feel outcast, disrespected, out of place and silenced. Our community is not loving, caring and respectful. It produces more and more exclusions, boxes and tags. It leaves more and more people out.

I don’t want to connect better with people who forget what they’ve been through to hold on to new prejudices.

It’s a shame that for you the “shame” in all this is that you actually feel attracted to a poser-lesbian or whatever you would think I am. So if my pictures were ugly it wouldn’t be such a shame, would it?»


About Fhrynne

queer. feminist. fairy. reader. writer. Ver todos os artigos de Fhrynne

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